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Guy running for VP: “JD Vance may have sex with couches, dolphins, and even more disturbing things the electorate will learn about soon enough, but JD Vance will be damned if JD Vance ever uses the devil’s pronouns.”

In his defense, Elon both owns the platform and is a giant manbaby throwing a neverending tantrum at even the thought of rules applying to him.

“The problem isn’t we, the Job Creators; it’s you, the people. We have too many people consuming too much energy. The best strategy is to maximize our greenhouse gas emissions over the next couple decades to make the Earth uninhabitable for 99% of all human life. Once you’re all dead, and we’re safely in our island fortress bunkers with our slaves, the Earth can finally begin to heal.”

Boeing: Amtrak of the Skies. We’ll probably get you there safely.

“Our company is invested in the dynamic strategy of using people to solve problems. Person Intelligence or PI, as we call it. We know our strategy is out of favor now, but given that it has worked consistently throughout all of human history, we are hopeful for the future.”

US Lawmakers aren’t scrambling to do anything but take bribes and engage in insider trading.

Makes perfect sense. Bill Gates puts Chinese 5G into third party printer ink. It’s used to activate the spikes in vaccinations.

The industrialists in America made the same bargain. Henry Ford, JP Morgan, Joseph Kennedy, Prescott Bush. All pro-Nazi.

You could start by paying your workers their fair value.

Silly us. We made a few wrong turns, and now here we are in Ukraine. I guess this place is as good as any to test all these shiny new weapons.

they will be deployed shortly afterwards by the police.

“You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of racism in the new drones, but what I said was: Give me all the racism you have.”

Time to add “a new schism in the Catholic Church” to the end of days bingo card.

That’s a fun new Xitter game. What caused the latest bullshit - its failing infrastructure/imminent collapse or its new owner’s drug-addled brain? Given the list of users it affected, I’m guessing it’s the drugs.

win at least 10% of support from the delegates at the Republican party’s biennial convention

Boebert’s gonna need to bring some lotion.

Cases like these illustrate why the death penalty is such a terrible idea. The process itself is imperfect, and in some places filled with bad actors looking to close cases quickly while maximizing sentences.

Watch the insurance companies. They’re already pulling out of Florida. They extracted wealth from citizens for all this time, but they’re not going to stick around in places where they’ll have to pay mass claims due to repeated climate disasters.

freeze frame

“This Duke boy has got himself in one heck of a pickle. Let’s see if he can get out of it after these messages from our sponsors.”

You have to show your intrusive thoughts who’s boss. “MAKE IT A CHAINSAW MOTHERFUCKER!”

Commander-Dad Holt will be missed.